Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
