Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
