i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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