Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
