giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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