remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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