he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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