It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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