Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
