Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
it's like iHOP with fire
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
