Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
