U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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