her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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