remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
