There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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