Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
