May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
