Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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