Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
