I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
