I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
someone owes me an orgasm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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