Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I want her autograph on my taint
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
