oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
