Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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