before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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