you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
