The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
