I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
