ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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