Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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