His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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