it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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