I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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