i would punch a child for taco bell
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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