i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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