Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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