I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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