I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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