i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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