i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
