Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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