I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
