How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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