she told me i tasted like america
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I would ride that face into the sunset
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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