why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
