Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
