ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
