With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
PANTIES FOUND
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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