my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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