I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
40s are totally the cure
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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