birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He felt like a one man threesome
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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