he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
