Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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