is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
